Why'd the chicken cross the Road?
by DopeyTheChosen1
Summary: Zidane and Eiko set out to solve one of the great mysteries of life. rated for language. ch1 is sorta confusing, just go with it. yay! so happy! review! Review! REview! REVIEW! OMG! so happy! 1st review! thank you WILD FANTASY!
1. THE QUESTION

Disclaimer: I do not own any final fantasy characters, but I do own the chickens. -DORK- will be my spacer.

-DORK-

Okay, this probably isn't the best chapter, but it's just sort of an intro

"Hey Irvine." Squall caught up with his friend. "Have you done anything to Zidane? Laguna's looking for him."

"Why do you always blame me when the monkey disappears?" Irvine asked.

"'Cause it's usually your fault when he disappears."

"Oh, yeah, I forgot that." Irvine rolled his eyes, "Well, I did ask him a question …"

"Oh Hyne, what question?"

Irvine smiled. "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

"WHAT? That guy is a total idiot! He probably thought you were really asking that!"

"Uh …" Irvine's smile faded. "Um. Uh. Uh… Who are we talking about?"

-DORK-

"Why'd the chicken cross the road … Why'd the chicken cross the road …" Zidane paced back and forth. "Wait, what road." He looked out his window at the highway. "That road?"

"Hi Zin kun!" Zidane turned to see Eiko standing in the doorway.

"Wadda' you want?"

"To help you. What else?" Seeing Zidane's puzzled expression, Eiko asked, "What did Irvine tell you this time?"

"He told me to find out why the chicken crossed the road."

"Hmm …" Eiko began pacing as Zidane had been. "Aha."

"What? You know the answer?"

"No, you think I'd find out why the chicken crossed the road in just a few seconds? Jeeze. Anyway, I know what to do though, but we are gonna' need uniforms!"

"Eh? How's that?" Zidane cleaned out his ear. "I must've heard you wrong, did you say that we are gonna' need—"

"Uniforms." Eiko smiled and dragged a still confused Zidane out of the room.

-DORK-

"Why?" Squall moaned, "Why Irvine why?"

"'Cause it was getting' annoying." Irvine spat.

"What was?"

Irvine got up and started imitating Zidane's voice. "Hi Irvine! Hi Irvine! How you doin' Irvine? Why're you here so early? Hi hi! How's your day been? What are—"

"Okay!" Squall screamed, "ENOUGH! YOU MADE YOUR POINT!"

"Ha." Irvine smiled. "Feel my pain."

-DORK-

"Oh, come on Zin kun! Try it on!" Eiko shoved the white lab coat in Zidane's face again.

"No…"

"Why not?" Eiko's face dropped.

Zidane smiled "Because, I like pink!"

Eiko said, "No problem!" She ran out of the room.

"What was that?" Zidane watched as Eiko came back in with a wet hot pink suit.

"See?" She said, "I dyed it!"

"You killed it?"

"No, I dyed it."

"Is that blood then?"

"No, it's dye."

"Oh … uh … cool!"

And a few minutes later they were in their hot pink and white suits.

"Now what?" Eiko asked after a few minutes of standing there for no reason.

"Um …" Zidane pulled out a clipboard. "Now we interview chickens."


	2. CHICKEN NUMBER ONE

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot, the truck, and the chickens. The chickens own the bugs. -DORK- will be my spacer

-DORK-

"I-is that Zidane?" Selphie asked.

"Huh? And Eiko?" Quistis looked out the window, "Is that a chicken?"

"Uh… Quisty? Selphie?" Rinoa came into the room holding her head. "I could've sworn I saw Zidane talking to a chicken, tell me it isn't tru—"

"It's true." The two other girls said in unison.

"Uh, excuse me, I need to go lie down…" Rinoa said, and left the room.

"Irvine's doing this, huh?"

"Yes." Quistis nodded.

-DORK-

"No, see, I don't really _care_ that you like bugs." Zidane told the chicken, "Please try to pay attention."

The chicken looked up, "Cluck?"

"Wow." Eiko said, "It replied, now, quick! Ask it the first question!"

"Right," Zidane cleared his throat, "Why would _you_ cross the road."

"Cluck?" The chicken went back to eating bugs.

"Aw man." Zidane sighed.

"Lemme' handle this." Eiko stood in front of the chicken. Then screamed. "WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU WANT TO CROSS THE FRIGGIN' ROAD?"

The chicken fell over, it had died of a heart attack.

"Oh," Zidane smiled, then frowned, "Good job Einstein, you killed the only chicken for miles!"

"Well, did you have any other ideas?"

The two sat in silence for awhile, then Zidane said, "Well, we need a new chicken, huh?"

"Yeah … but who would know where to get one?"

"Squall! Wake up!" Eiko screamed in the sleeping Squall's ear.

"Aw, wadda' you want?" He rubbed his eyes, trying to wake up. "E-Eiko!" He said, looking at the clock. "It's two in the morning!"

"So? We need a chicken."

"Why don't you go to the farm and get one? No get outta' my dorm and let me sleep!" Squall said, tucking his head under his pillow.

"Okay dokay!"

"A farm?" Zidane asked. "How the Hell are we gonna' get to a farm?"

And, of course, a truck labeled, "Farmer's Delivery" chose to drive right in front of the Genome at that time.

"WAIT! WE NEED A LIFT!" Zidane ran after the truck, Eiko followed behind. And to make a long story short, they had chased the truck until it stopped in Winhill.

"See any chickens?" Eiko asked, with lots of energy left.

"N-no…" Zidane, out of breath and energy, sank to his knees.

"Hmm…" Eiko looked around the surrounding area, till she spotted a white hen. "There! Chicken!" She tore after the chicken yelling, "Here chicky chicky chicky! Here chicky chicky chicky! COME HERE YOU IDGIT!"

"Yeah, you have energy," Zidane's face landed in the dirt, "You go get it."

Eiko soon returned with the chicken. "Okay, now ask it the mighty question of the day."

"Right," Zidane turned to the chicken. "Why would you cross the road?"

"Cluck?" The chicken tilted it's head.

"It doesn't understand you." Zidane turned to see…

Raine Loire?


	3. THE GREAT CHICKEN WHISPERER GET IT?

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the truck, chickens, and plot. -DORK- is my spacer.

-DORK-

"What did you just say?" Zidane turned to see Raine standing over him.

"I said that it doesn't understand you, Dane-Dane."

"Don't call me Dane-Dane." Zidane glared at her, "Now, unless you can magically talk to this chicken, I suggest you leave us alone."

"I can actually."

"Right, just like I said." Zidane continued on, "You can't help us so why don't … you … uh … didyoujustsaythatyoucantalktothechickenthatisaidyoucouldn'ttalktobecauseyousaidyoucouldsothereforeyoucantalktothechickenthatyousaidyoucantalktobecauseisaidyoucan'ttalktothechickentbecauseyouaretosmarttotalktoadumbchicken,andsothereforeyoucannottalktothechickenwhichEikoisholdingrightnotsoyoucantalktoit… wellwhydidn'tyousayso? anddidyouknowthatcoffeeandsugartaskereallygoodtogetherandsoitfullthrottle?yeah.that'swhyijustateanddrankabunchofitjustnow… uh … I can explain…. …. hi!"

"What?" Raine raised an eyebrow. "I have no idea what you just said, but yeah, I can talk to that chicken."

"Really? Then why didn't you say so? Ask it why it would cross the road!" Zidane tossed her the chicken.

"Hey." Raine turned to the chicken, which was now trying to make a run for it. "Chick. Cluck Brooooouuuuukkkk! cluckcluck. Cluck?"

"CLUCK! CLUCKCLUCK! cluckcluckcluck? brooouuukkkk!" The chicken ceased trying to escape.

"She says, 'Why didn't you say so? I would cross the road to get to the other side!'"

"That's it? Hmm…" Zidane began pacing again.

"Well," Eiko said, "Why does it want to get to the other side?" She scribbled down the question on what she called her "notetakingboardthatwasstapledtotheclipboardboard".

"Yeah." Zidane's eyes widened as Raine began talking to the chicken._ This is it,_ he and Eiko thought, _if we get this last answer, we can be heroes! We could solve one of the world's oldest mysteries! Nothing can go wrong now!_

The chicken opened it's beak to reply, but, as fate (or karma) would have it, Vincent chose that moment to get bored with his game of "Shootat Cid and watch him jump".

A bullet ripped through the air, taking of the chicken's head, causing it to run around in circles like all headless chickens do. The next shot destroyed it's body.

Raine, Eiko, and Zidane turned to see Vincent watching the smoldering crater that was all that was left of the chicken. He saw them and said, "Now, don't tell me that wasn't cool."

Raine's eyes flared. Vincent must've saw this 'cause he swore and turned to run, but Raine was too fast and soon was on him mauling him with her "Trusty" Frying Pan Of Total Doom And Terror.

"Damn it ALL!" Eiko shouted and threw down her notetakingboardthatwasstapledtotheclipboardboard. "We were so close! Damn you Valentine!" She marched over to where Raine was killing Vincent. "Give me the Frying Pan Of Total Doom And Terror!"

"Gladly. I'll go find another chicken." Raine let Eiko have her turn beating up Vincent and went off in search of another chicken, while Zidane sat there deep in thought (I'm in shock!).

"What if…" He turned to Eiko, "What if we—Pay attention to me!" Both Vincent and Eiko stopped trying to escape from/ kill each other and looked at the Genome, who's tail was all bristly (Ever read Calvin and Hobbes? It's sorta' like when Calvin makes Hobbes nervous or scared and his tail gets all bushy.). "What if we made a quiz for several chickens to take, then chose the most common answer of them? Then we can have the others ready in case the other one was wrong! We can't lose!"

"You are so smart Zin-kun!" Eiko smiled, then grabbed Vincent's hair as he was trying to get away. "As soon as Raine comes back and Valentine is dead, we'll figure it out!"

"Right." And he went back to trying to figure out what had just been said as Eiko returned to hitting Vincent.

And this is what he decided should be on the quiz.

_Why would you cross the road?_

_A. You felt like it.B. for the hell of it._

_C. To get to the other side. D.Who knows?_

_If you chose 'C' then why would you get to the other side?_

_If you chose something other than 'C', why did you not choose 'C'?_

"Yeah, that outta' do it." Raine said, after reading it. I'll go translate it and show you the results later."

"Okay," Zidane then turned to Eiko, "Alright, problem solved, you can let him go now, I mean, you must be tired too, it's been several hours since you started."

"Oh, okay." Eiko said, and reluctantly let Vincent run off. "Now what?"

"Now, we wait…" Zidane's eyes flared, "For the moment of truth! hahahaha!"

Eiko leaned against a tree and closed her eyes. "Yeah, well, let me know when Raine gets back with the results."

Zidane stopped laughing in triumph and began watching butterflies go by. He had to do something while he waited!

-DORK-

"Zidane!" Raine ran up to him, "I have the results. I gave five chickens the quiz and they all answered the same, 'To get to the other side.'"

"Why did they want to get to the other side?" Eiko woke up and asked.

"Hmm…." Zidane read one of the answers: 'I wanted to get to the other side because of that beautiful snow cone.'

Another one, 'Because of that ice cold beer over there.'

Yet another, 'Because I couldn't help myself … I blame Mcdonald!'

And the last one, 'Because that one KFC guy was following me around, holding a butcher knife behind his back, and calling, "Hear chicken chicken! Come to me!"

"Interesting," Zidane finally said.

"Yeah."

"Let's go tell Irvine! Thanks Raine!" And the two scampered off.

Raine yawned. "Whoa, where am I?"

-DORK-

"So, whose in trouble now?" Irvine smiled.

"Ah, shut up." Squall growled. "How was I suppose to know she was working with the idiot?"

"I dunno' but either way, Laguna's gonna' kick yo' ass inta' next Thursday! Ha ha!"

Then the door burst open, and Zidane came in, out of breath.

"Uh, Dane-dane?" Irvine asked, "Uh, why are you wearing a pink suit?"

"Uh … I'll tell you later, But right now," He held up a sheet of paper. "I have answered the question!"

"What?"

"You know, 'why'd the chicken cross the road?' I have the answers of four chickens right here." He began reading to them, " #1, I would cross the road to get to the other side because of that beautiful snow cone. #2, I would cross the road to get to the other side because of that ice-cold beer over there. #3, I would cross the road to get to the other side because I can't help myself, coughcoughirvinecoughcough. And #4, I would cross the road to get to the other side because that one KFC guy was following me around with a butcher knife behind his back, and calling, 'Here chicken chicken! Come to me!'"

Irvine and Squall were silent for awhile, then they sort of laughed nervously. "Uh, how did you find this out?"

"Oh, your mom helped us out a lot. Did you know she can talk to chickens?"

"Yeah, she taught me too…" Squall suddenly woke up, "Wait, did I just say that?"

"Haha!" Irvine laughed, "Yeah!"

"So, now that I have answered your amazing question, howabout another one?"

"Sure," Squall said, "What came first? The chicken or the Egg?"

"Hmm…" Zidane thrust his hand in the air, "I shall not rest until I have … solved … this … puzzle … zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz"

"Yeah, whatever." Irvine said and the two left.

-DORK-

Well, there it is, be sure to check out the sequel, I think you can guess what it's called

(for those of you who are to stupid to guess, it's called "What came first? da chicken, or da egg?")

BYE!


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